The Heart Will Go On
by Triskell
Summary: CATS (RTMJ): Sometimes, true love survives even if the object is gone forever (rated R for emotional turmoil).


Author: Triskell  
Summary: sometimes, true love survives even if the object is gone forever... (HANKY alert!!)  
Rating: PG-15 (character death and intense emotions)  
Disclaimer: The Jellicle Cats belong to TSE, ALW & RUG. The story is mine, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
AN: The Jellicle Ball as seen in the video DID NOT happen. I've not simply altered the events, they just didn't come to pass, there was no fight with Macavity, though there is animosity between the Jellicles and the strays.  
This is not a song-fic in itself, but the 'Titanic' theme song just fits so perfectly I couldn't resist. You will also find a beautiful picture in this story, which was made especially for it by Malachi. Big hug and purrs to you!! ;D

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** THE HEART WILL GO ON **  
© Triskell, November 2000/January-March 2001  


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Two cats lay on a blue blanket made silvery by the full moon, cuddled up to each other for warmth. One of them was fast asleep but the other was stirring - slowly, carefully taking his companion's paws off his body and tucking her in as he stood up, softly licking her ears.  
  
Mungojerrie was not at all happy with what he was about to do, but he saw no other option. He and Rumpleteazer had made a contract with Macavity in return for his letting them go unscarred. They were to do a certain amount of jobs, set down on a list as payment for their freedom.  
  
Until now they had done most of these, but there were still twelve more left - unless they chose another, more dangerous one that their boss had let them consider. Teazer had only shaken her head, sadly and wistfully,  
"It isna worth it. Even if we get rid of 'im. There's too much at stake, we'd better just keep to the list."  
  
But, silently and behind her back, the calico tom had spoken to Macavity and arranged a meeting for that very night. He would do the job, danger and all. Pollicles were lurking in the shadows around the mansion he was to break into, and the grounds were huge, the only trees standing very close to the building.  
  
It was a great risk he was taking, but Teazer's freedom was worth it. He was fairly sure that he would be injured, if not be killed in the attempt - yet he would argue on his friend's behalf and was sure that Macavity wouldn't take it out on her…  
  
He remembered a time, almost two years ago now, when he and Teazer had been no more than kittens, both frightened and alone, their parents having abandoned them on the streets. Macavity had taken them in, offered them a home and protection. And he had taught them all the tricks a good burglar ought to know, shown them all the hiding places and how to find food and shelter.  
  
And then, on one of their first jobs, Teazer had slipped on a wet window sill and fallen, headfirst, into a rain barrel. He should have gone through with the plan, get the loot as he had been taught…but he couldn't.  
  
To him, the calico kitten had become home, for she was the only one he truly knew, the only one who cared for him when he had a nightmare…and the only one who trusted him.  
  
He had turned away from the job, turned away from Macavity's orders and grabbed her paw, blindly, holding on tightly as he pulled her out of the water. It had been fairly hard to stop her trembling, the day had been cold and rainy and when they had finally reached the lair, Macavity had faced them, anger written plainly across his face.  
  
And though he had never been more afraid in his life Mungojerrie had stood his ground, sworn that he'd make up for the loot, that it had been his fault only and that Teazer had slipped because he hadn't warned her. And his boss, the fearsome 'Napoleon of Crime' had smiled and shaken his head, sending the kittens to bed.  
  
There had been no punishment, it was never spoken of again. And it was later that night as they lay curled up in a battered cardboard box, Teazer still shivering and pressed tightly against his body that he had promised never to leave her alone.  
  
It had been a solemn promise, destined to console a frightened kitten, but never taken back or amended, not even when that kitten grew up to be independent and (head)strong, not even when he fell in love with her, not even when he was given her heart in return.  
  
It might be best to let her think he had left her, for good, but deep inside he knew that Teazer would never accept such a simple explanation. Sighing softly, he nuzzled her sleeping form, praying to the Everlasting Cat that He'd take care of her and, with one last longing look at her, Mungojerrie slid away, merging into the shadows of the night, for this first time in his life breaking a promise to his mate…  
  
Rumpleteazer woke up, shivering. It was chilly and the night breeze wafted around her in great white wisps. Something was missing…warm breath against her neck, a paw around her…  
  
"Jerrie?" she mumbled, her mind still in a daze, reaching out for her friend - into the empty air.  
  
"Jerrie!" the young queen sat up, trembling suddenly. He had promised never to leave her alone - never! A sense of foreboding came upon her then, and her heart constricted with fear; she jumped to her feet and trudged to the fence surrounding the junkyard, walking along its length, searching desperately for the tom's scent.  
  
Only faint traces marked his passage, but Teazer could tell that he'd left the Jellicle haven; yet she couldn't determine where he'd gone to. She sniffed, straining her ears, hoping against hope he'd appear beside her, all of a sudden, that this was only a game…nothing more. The cold crept into the emptiness beside her as she lay down again, and her fitful sleep was disturbed by mumbling voices and terrified screams…  
  
"Do think about it, Mungojerrie! I meant the offer to include Rumpleteazer, I hadn't thought you'd be stupid enough to attempt it on your own!" Macavity was snarling, but the calico remained adamant, his mind set on the task already,  
"Just promise that…if anythin' 'appens, you won't 'old her to finish this job…"  
  
"Of course not! But still, Mungojerrie, reconsider! You're one of the most proficient burglars, and still I'm not convinced you'll make it on your own. At least let me send someone in with you, as a distraction…"  
  
"NO! We 'ave a deal! Teazer and I gotta do it, alone! I don't wanna be in yer debt…"  
  
"NONSENSE! Pitch, Tyra, go along with him! You won't owe me a thing, Mungojerrie! I just want you to be extra careful…don't want to be the one to tell Teazer what a fool you...were!"  
  
The calico nodded, gratefully, just before the three cats slipped into the grounds beneath the fence, hurrying across the wide lawn towards the mansion…  
  
A chill lay on the breeze, drifting along between the silent snowflakes that settled on the junkyard. The moon was out, the sounds from the street indicating that it was only afternoon, even though the dim shadows of dusk were creeping upon the piles of forgotten rubbish.  
  
Rumpleteazer sat on Pouncival's favourite chair, since this was the place from where she had the best view across the surrounding streets. The young tom sat a little below her on a pipe jutting out from the pile, a look of boredom and exasperation painted on his features,  
"How much longer are you gonna sit up here? It's getting dark, you're not gonna see anything anyway…"  
  
"I'll sit 'ere for as long as it takes, nosy brat. Go 'bout yer business, just leave me alone," the calico queen snapped at him, unsheathing her claws.  
  
Pouncival backed away, jumping off his seat and retreating as fast as he could towards the safety of the ground. He caught sight of Munkustrap and ran towards him, his eyes wide with fear,  
"She…claws…wants…!" he screeched, pointing towards the shadowy form of Rumpleteazer above them.  
  
"What?"  
  
The grey tabby shook his head. It really wasn't all that easy to interpret kittens when they stumbled across their own words in their excitement…  
  
"Threatened me! Showed claws! She…"  
  
Pouncival finally gave up trying to make himself understood and hid behind Munkustrap, peering fearfully up at Rumpleteazer.  
  
"I'm sure that there's some sort of misunderstanding here," the tabby said, soothingly, "Rumpleteazer may be wild at times, but she most certainly isn't dan…"  
  
"Whatever…" the young tom mumbled, running across the yard towards Tumblebrutus and Alonzo who had just appeared, keen on telling them about the young queen's reaction.  
  
Munkustrap sighed as he began to climb up towards the calico, whose coloured stripes were dulled by the shadows of twilight. Suddenly he whipped around, his nose picking up a scent he didn't like at all…  
  
Looking across the yard, he saw Bombalurina and Demeter hiss and jumped to the ground in one mighty leap, calling to Alonzo,  
"Macavity's coming!"  
  
Rumpleteazer had seen the ginger tom from afar, his bright fur visible even in the gloomy evening and she shivered involuntarily, as a thousand possibilities flashed through her mind. Climbing down rapidly, she was faced by a wall of toms, effectively blocking the stray from view.  
  
Someone mumbled and a few of the cats in front of her drew in sharp breaths, then Macavity's voice rung out, loud and clear in the chill air,  
"I must speak to Rumpleteazer."  
  
Before Munkustrap was able to say a word, the calico queen had roughly pushed aside the toms and made her way to the front. Now she stood, trembling and facing Macavity. She barely noticed the grey tabby stepping to her side, nor did she see the other toms advancing towards her, silently giving her their protection and support.  
  
"I…have bad news," the ginger stray's voice was rough, and he looked straight at the young queen, though the muscles in his face twitched, almost as if he were afraid of her.  
  
"Jerrie…"  
  
"We met last night, and he informed me he had decided to take me up on my offer," Rumpleteazer gasped, tears forming in her eyes, "and I…"  
  
"The boss said he shouldna go, like, but 'e wouldna listen, like…"  
  
"Quiet!"  
  
The black tabby beside Macavity cowered, but there was defiance in his eyes as he piped up again,  
"Boss sent in Tyra and Pitch too, like, so 'e wouldna be alone, like…"  
  
"SHUT UP!" the ginger tom shouted, hitting his crony hard on the head. Composing himself, he turned to Rumpleteazer again, continuing,  
"They made it across the lawn and up into the mansion. The job went smoothly, but when they came out, the pollicles were prowling the grounds and Tyra fell. Pitch made it through and Mungojerrie…ran to her side to help her…"  
  
The calico queen nodded slowly, tears falling freely now,  
"As 'e came ta 'elp me when I fell into the rain barrel…"  
  
"We could not get to them in time…there were too many Pollicles…"  
  
"Boss tore the throat of that bastard that took out MJ…"  
  
Another hard slap across his face, claws extended, convinced the black tabby that it was better to keep his quiet as he held his burning cheek, blood trickling down between his paws.  
  
Macavity stepped aside, his eyes still fixed on Rumpleteazer as two shabby toms carried the calico's still form forward, laying it gently on the ground in front of the young queen. The ginger stray bowed deeply, motioning one of his cronies forward,  
"You are, of course, not bound to the contract any longer."  
  
The other tom laid a piece of faded red ribbon in front of Rumpleteazer, hastily rejoining his companions when they turned and left the junkyard in an orderly procession, as solemnly as the had come.  
  
"They cleaned 'im…"  
  
Munkustrap shuddered at the soft whisper, turning towards the queen at his side. In the darkness that had now fallen, her form was silhouetted in black and the contours of her body drifted apart, as if she were dissolving in front of his eyes.  
  
The grey tabby raised his hand, forestalling any comments and indicated for the crowd to disperse, leaving Rumpleteazer alone, to grieve for her mate.  
  
"Why…"  
  
The young queen moved forward, laying down beside Jerrie, curling up around him and burying her head in his neck. Her sobs echoed eerily in the sudden stillness and only a pair of sad, dark eyes watched over her as she mourned that night.  
  
"Do you know what that means, Munkustrap? They are criminals!"  
  
Deuteronomy's voice boomed through the vicarage gardens, as the tabby shook his head for the umpteenth time, trying to make the old tom see,  
"They made a deal with Macavity to buy their freedom! That doesn't make them criminals! It might have been wrong…"  
  
"NO, it MIGHT not have been wrong, it WAS wrong! And you, of all cats, should understand that!"  
  
"And you of all cats should feel the most for Rumpleteazer and honour her grief."  
  
Demeter faced the Jellicle leader, proudly squaring her shoulders,  
"I have talked to most of the others already, and though they were shocked, they all agree on it being difficult for a queen to lose a mate - no matter what the circumstances."  
  
Munkustrap nodded, smiling at the queen,  
"I perfectly agree with Demeter. And, since the rest of the tribe seems to unanimously agree with us as well…"  
  
It was no threat, but an order, thinly masked - an order to accept and not to question. And though he grumbled irritably about how in his time such things were punished as they ought to be, Deuteronomy saw that he could not judge Rumpleteazer as he wished.  
  
Munkustrap and Demeter sat beside the Jellicle leader, watching the moon, hoping that they might convince him, a little while later, to let the young queen be and not mention the fact that the red ribbon was only used for contracts between the most notorious and most dangerous cat criminals…  
  
Quaxo still sat quietly in his pipe, keeping his eyes on Rumpleteazer, even though she had fallen asleep, exhausted, a few hours ago.  
  
He felt her grief acutely, and he was sure that Tantomile and Coricopat would do as well, if they were at the junkyard that night. His ears suddenly pricked up at a soft rustle and he watched Demeter and Munkustrap emerging from the shadows into the pale moonlight.  
  
They looked tired and he slid out of his hiding place to meet them halfway across the yard. They nodded in acknowledgement of his presence and the three walked, by unspoken agreement, to the tabby's abode.  
  
"I see you are keeping an eye on Rumpleteazer," Munkustrap began, "Old Deuteronomy wasn't all too happy about the implications of the red ribbon. I'm afraid he'll be of little help in making her comfortable now."  
  
"Munkustrap and I have decided to let her stay with me for a while; her old home will hold too many memories, I think."  
  
"If there's anything I can help with…"  
  
Demeter smiled, "Just keep her safe from any impertinent remarks and try to cheer her up a little. She'll need her friends now, more than ever."  
  
Quaxo nodded gravely, his dark eyes sparkling, "I won't let anyone hurt her!"  
  
Rumpleteazer mechanically followed Munkustrap and Alonzo as they carried Mungojerrie's body through the dim back streets the next morning. The rest of the tribe walked behind her, but she was as insensible to their presence as she was of Quaxo and Demeter who flanked her sides.  
  
The funeral procession made its way towards the vicarage and past it, down to the stream that flowed a little way off, cutting a bubbling path through the cemetery.  
  
While the toms dug a grave, Old Deuteronomy addressed the cats, his eyes betraying the reluctance with which he spoke of Mungojerrie. Most of the tribe did not know it, but the calico was the shaggy tom's youngest son - his mother had been a stray, beautiful and clever, who had left with her young one to join Macavity.  
  
She had sneered at Deuteronomy then, laughing at his pledge of love, telling him that the ginger criminal was more handsome, more interesting and much more worth her while. She had not even bothered to let the Jellicle say goodbye to his kit - and when, almost a year and a half later, the calico had turned up at the junkyard with Rumpleteazer…  
  
The pain was still acute and though the queen whose easy ways had inflicted it was gone, Deuteronomy had not been able to forgive her - or his son who had not even recognized him - and had chosen a life of disrespectability over the honourable existence of a true Jellicle.  
  
"Today, we will say our goodbyes to one from our midst who, despite all appearances, led a life of sin and vice," Munkustrap's head shot up and he bared his teeth, as did Quaxo, but Demeter calmly indicated the young queen beside her, who seemed blissfully unaware of the old tom's words,  
"He died, foolishly offering his soul to damnation…"  
  
"He must've listened to his human preach too often!" Pouncival whispered, only to be nudged hard into the side by Jennyanydots.  
  
The other kittens, however, snickered and not even a sharp gaze from the venerable old leader could make them quiet down completely.  
  
"It is, with a heavy heart that I offer to bury his body amidst the old ones of our tribe, for his life has brought dishonour upon our tribe's name…"  
  
Rumpleteazer looked up then, as if she had only just woken from a dream. Her eyes were blazing with fury and she unsheathed her claws, hissing,  
"Dis'onour? Me Jerrie? 'e never…Jerrie was a fine tom, and ya 'ave no right ta say that, none at all! 'ow come a thug like Macavity treat 'is memory wi' more respect than ya? Who's the leader, 'ere, I wonder!"  
  
A shocked silence fell at her words and Munkustrap sidled up to Deuteronomy, taking his paw,  
"Thank you for your words. I believe now comes…"  
  
"…your turn to speak," the old grey tom said, as tradition allowed only the tribe's leader and the leader-to-be to speak on such occasions.  
  
Alonzo now led Deuteronomy away, taking him straight back to the vicarage, to the old one's surprise,  
"I know you wouldn't want to stay with them longer than necessary," the black and white cat whispered conversationally, silently thanking the Everlasting Cat that Munkustrap was to speak next.  
  
But the grey tabby had no intention of speaking. Gently taking Rumpleteazer's paw he drew her forward, bowing slightly,  
"I hope you will accept my place, since I didn't really know Mungojerrie that well."  
  
The other cats looked at Munkustrap, but his features were inscrutable when he came to stand beside Demeter and Quaxo.  
  
"I…thank you. I…there's so much I could tell ya, but it all doesna matter anymore. 'e was no thug, that's fer sure. Macavity took us in when we were kittens, and 'e always treated us well. 'e even let us go…but 'e is a businesscat and we were worth a lot to 'im. Ya might not understand that - it's somethin' ta do with 'onour, the 'onour of the strays that we made that contract."  
  
Rumpleteazer looked around her, willing the other cats to comprehend what she was saying. They just couldn't think so ill of Jerrie, it just wasn't right,  
"Jerrie was everythin' ta me…me friend, me brother and…me 'eart. 'e never let me down and ya know…the 'appiest moment of me life was when 'e promised ta never leave me…"  
  
A strangled sob escaped the calico and she shook her head,  
"'e was tryin' ta protect me…always…tryin' ta protect me…" her voice broke over the last few words and Demeter rushed to her side, putting her arm around her waist and patting her back.  
  
At a sign from Munkustrap, Asparagus and Admetus laid Mungojerrie into the earth, covering his body. Bombalurina stepped forward, waving the others away, and Quaxo looked at Rumpleteazer, wishing there was something he could do to comfort her…  
  
Quaxo followed Munkustrap silently, each of them carrying a mouse, trotting up to Demeter's cosy little nook between the junk piles. Rumpleteazer lay curled up in a tight ball, almost hidden by a fluffy blanket. She didn't seem to notice the arrival of the two toms, but the other queen did and went to meet them.  
  
"She's not said a word since I brought her here. And even though she doesn't cry anymore… She needs to talk…"  
  
Demeter's voice was fierce as she remembered how hard it was to speak of unsettling things, of things that had shaken one's life so badly that it seemed nothing would ever be alright again. She had gone through this herself. And what had helped her had been Bombalurina's willingness to listen and to commiserate.  
  
Munkustrap's brow furrowed, but he didn't comment. He knew Demeter was in all probability referring to the time she had spent away from the junkyard. There were rumours about her having been with some tom or other, but nothing concrete. And since the queen didn't seem at all inclined to tell anyone but Bombalurina about it…  
  
Quaxo had, in the meantime, crept up to Rumpleteazer and carefully placed the mouse in front of her. She looked up, startled almost, and her tired eyes met his for a moment. The black tom shuddered at the blankness he saw there, no emotions, no tears left to cry.  
  
"I thought you might like to eat…" he broke off, unsure how to phrase his thoughts.  
  
Shaking her head, the calico laid her head back onto her paws, a silent gesture of defeat,  
"I'm not 'ungry," she mumbled and, a moment later, added, "but thanks."  
  
She closed her eyes then and Quaxo understood, slipping towards the other two cats quietly.  
  
"I think she'd rather be left alone…"  
  
Munkustrap nodded, "Still, I'll be staying nearby, just in case." He indicated the burnt out oven on the other side of the yard, "Call me if either of you need anything."  
  
Demeter nodded and the tabby retreated to his temporary sleeping place.  
  
"I'm superfluous here, it seems…"  
  
"No, you most certainly are not, Quaxo! Rumpleteazer likes you best of all cats, I'd say. You were her and Mungojerrie's best friend and when the time comes for her to talk, she'll most likely seek you out. At the moment she's just shy around toms."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"I felt the same way after…you might remember my being away for a while; when I returned it was because of a…relationship that had turned awry. It was hard to go on, and even harder to let go of him…finally. Rumpleteazer might feel she's responsible and if she does, she'll have to come to terms with it before confiding to anyone…"  
  
Quaxo suddenly averted his eyes,  
"You can call me too, if she… I don't know…"  
  
He shook his head violently and turned his back on Demeter, bounding away from her at lightening speed.  
  
It had just occurred to him that it would be quite difficult for him to talk to Rumpleteazer about another tom, a tom she had loved, no less. He had been drawn to her almost from the moment they had first met, but Mungojerrie had always been there and it had been very clear to see who the queen's heart belonged to.  
  
That was why Quaxo had never spoken of his…regard and affection for the calico, silently rejoicing in her happiness with the other tom. And yet, he was beginning to allow himself the hope that one day Rumpleteazer might return his feelings - and that scared him, though not as much as it angered him.  
  
He had no right to think of such things when the young queen had just lost her lover - it was wrong to even contemplate her future, while the pain of her loss was still so fresh in her mind. Settling down on the cold ground, Quaxo refused to close his eyes, defying sleep as he defied his own wants…  
  
Strangled sobs woke Munkustrap from his sleep, his sensitive ears already attuned to queens in distress.  
  
Demeter had cried like this one night and since Bombalurina hadn't been there to comfort her, the tabby had taken her place. That the red queen had found them closely entwined the next morning had remained a secret between the three of them. And he had also kept the fact that his memory stubbornly refused to forget Demeter's scent and the warmth of her body in his arms very closely guarded…  
  
Gliding through the shadows, his breath a raspy white ghost in front of him, announcing his arrival, Munkustrap walked towards Demeter's dwelling, meeting her eyes and settling down beside Rumpleteazer, looking at her shaking form helplessly.  
  
Since neither soothing crooning, nor steady patting helped the other queen in calming the calico, Munkustrap laid down and pulled the trembling body towards him, hugging her tightly.  
  
Demeter closed the distance to Rumpleteazer, cuddling against her back, so she lay spooned between the other two cats, who started purring almost as one.  
  
The comforting noise broke through the haze in the calico's mind, slowly drowning out the flashes of pain and guilt, steadying her thoughts enough for her to drift off into sleep. Even then, the tabby continued purring, eyes fixed on Demeter whose paw brushed his lightly time and again…  
  
_Jerrie was lying in her arms, motionless and cold. She was shaking him, calling his name, time and again, calling him, shaking him, pleading with him to wake up, to say something, say anything at all, shaking him…_  
  
Rumpleteazer's eyes snapped open, her breathing ragged. Reaching out reflexively to touch her mate beside her, she scented another tom…  
  
Only her forceful control of her body kept her from scratching and bolting, though her heart raced and she shivered.  
  
A low purr resonated in her ear just then and two paws stroked along her back softly. Banishing the panic inside, the calico took a deep breath and sniffed carefully, recognising Munkustrap's and Demeter's scents.  
  
It all came back to her then and tears filled her eyes as did the longing to get away from the warmth, the care that could never comfort her, never fill the void… 'there's no one like Jerrie' a small voice whispered and she shuddered again, knowing it to be true and unable to think of anything but having lost her mate just then.  
  
Carefully extricating herself from the other two cats, she got to her feet and, surveying the sleeping forms, softly pushed Demeter closer to the tabby, whose arms instinctively closed around her as he purred.  
  
Tears ran down her cheeks now, but for the first time since Jerrie had left, Rumpleteazer smiled, feeling, with the certainty of a hawk-eyed observer and the cunning instinct of a life spent taking in the smallest things that those two were meant to be together, whether they had realized it yet or not.  
  
She crept silently away from the cosy dwelling, into the cold and the looming darkness that contrasted sharply with the milky glow of the moon shining her silvery light onto the junkyard's open spaces. Flitting among the silent towering piles of junk that loomed like imposing guardians of a lonely life she didn't want to contemplate, she made her way to the old tire that was the traditional seat of the Jellicle leader.  
  
She hissed as she caught Deuteronomy's scent on the rubber, flexing her muscles and unsheathing her claws. Never again would she be able to respect that cat, his words the day before had hurt her and shamed his promise to be a just leader.  
  
But it had also shown her where she stood in the tribe - at the sidelines, as always, only now she was alone and Jerrie was no longer able to protect her. Yet somehow she wasn't afraid of rejection from the others - their acceptance of her grief had been pronounced, to the point where they had almost disregarded Deuteronomy…  
  
She jumped onto the tire and stamped her paw a few times, as if she could hit the shaggy grey cat who had sat there so often. Settling down finally, she curled up tightly around herself, facing the moon above, the Jellicle moon, the symbol of the Everlasting Cat…  
  
Quaxo woke at once when his ears picked up the soft sound of paws brushing across the ground and he blended with the shadows, even his white face hidden in the darkness as he followed the young queen through the junkyard up to the tire, watching apprehensively as she hissed and batted the rubber before lying down upon it.  
  
It wasn't exactly the right thing to do, he told himself, stalking her in the middle of the night, but somehow he felt it was right, as if his instinct were prodding him, showing him a way of comforting her.  
  
"Tell me why!"  
  
Though not above a whisper, Rumpleteazer's usually warm and light voice was icy and hoarse as she spoke, making Quaxo start slightly. The tom composed himself a moment later, however, when he saw she was addressing the moon above her.  
  
"'e only wanted ta protect me! 'ow can ya say it was 'is time, wi'out even blinkin'? What did we do ta ya? What great crime did we commit in yer eyes?"  
  
The calico hissed suddenly, her eyes fixed on the moon once more, her face ghostly and cold in the eerie light,  
"Ye took me heart away, but ya won't see me falter! I mightna 'ave much ta live for, but I'll defy ya all the same, I won't give up… Jerrie wouldna want me ta just lie down and forget…"  
  
Her voice was bitter, yet defiant in the face of all her pain,  
"Ye're e'rlastin', aye, and I'm not, but as long as I live Jerrie'll be in me heart and ya can't change that - not ever!"  
  
Quaxo put his paw to his mouth, biting on his lower lip. He had known it, he had told himself time and again that she loved the calico, but this…to hear it spoken with so much determination - it no longer left him the hope she'd ever consider him as more than a friend. How could she? It was painfully obvious how close the two Cockneys had been now, even to a tom who had wanted to be blind to it forever…  
  
A heart-tearing sob broke through his thoughts and he returned his attention to the young queen, his mind racing, hating himself for his indecision and his helplessness.  
  
"I willna e'en know 'im when 'e's reborn, and 'e won't remember me either… we'll just be strangers, as if we'd ne'er loved each other, ne'er touched and…"  
  
'Strangers' - the word hit Quaxo like a bucket of cold water, making him shiver even more than he already was in the chilly night air. He suddenly understood, saw the root of Rumpleteazer's pain. It was the finality of Mungojerrie's death - the completeness of her loss. Those Jellicles that were sent up to the Heaviside Layer at the Ball kept their memories of previous lives, but it was only the old ones who were chosen, never the young.  
  
And never those that were killed or died before their time should have come.  
  
So this was a separation forever, there was little chance of a reunion, not even after Rumpleteazer's death. For all one knew the next kitten born into the tribe, the next one born to strays might be Mungojerrie…a young cat, with no recollection of his past…  
  
No wonder the young queen was scared of being alone - it was a permanent state in her view. One that could never be amended, a destiny fixed on her she couldn't escape.  
  
And there was only one cat who could comfort her, who could tell her everything would be alright…as he had done so many times before. Quaxo closed his eyes firmly, calling upon his powers and only moments later, a soft glow in front of her induced Rumpleteazer to look up.  
  
"Jerrie…"  
  
The light coalesced into a shape - head, shoulders, paws, multicoloured and striped, the edges blurring and fading into the darkness.  
  
"Jerrie…"  
  
Rumpleteazer reached out with her paw, not quite understanding, not knowing whether she was dreaming or not, and not caring much either. The misty form of the calico tom wobbled on the breeze as he softly mumbled his mate's name,  
"Teazer."  
  
Only one word, but it was enough to make her smile ever so slightly and though her voice shook as much as her body she managed to speak,  
"Ya promised, Jerrie…always, that's what ya said, always…"  
  
"Aye, I'll love ya, always, Teazer…"  
  
"Ya won't e'en know me when ya come back…"  
  
"But ye'll be right 'ere all the same," the apparition said, touching its heart with one glowing paw, sparkling eyes fixed on the young queen.  
  
"In me heart…always…" it repeated as the light faded slowly, the breeze tearing at the shape, pulling it apart into red and orange wisps of fog…  
  
"Me too, Jerrie…always," Rumpleteazer mumbled, her paw still outstretched, hovering in the air where the apparition had been only moments before.  
  
Tears were running across her cheeks again, but there was a warmth in her heart, a small sparkle glowing softly and refusing to be smothered by the coldness of her mate's loss. She closed her eyes, resting her head on her paws, just as a soft flake dropped onto her nose, too warm to be snow and too dry for a tear.  
  
Looking up, she saw glittering sparkles all around her, like those that appeared in the human fairytales Munkustrap was so fond of. Sniffling, she raised her head, offering her face to the bright, dancing colours, that should have seemed silvery in the moonlight, not golden.  
  
A smile suddenly brightened her face as a mild breeze, warm and silky, stroked across her head and her back, along her cheeks and her neck, like the gentle caresses of a lover, gliding smoothly across her body, like Jerrie's paws when he held her at night, soothing and protecting.  
  
Once more she heard her name whispered softly in the wind, and she purred contently, letting the warmth seep into her as she slowly fell asleep.  
  
Sighing, Quaxo leaned against the junk pile at his back, his heart racing from the exertion, his breathing rough. For all that he felt like he'd just been beaten up by a pack of pollicles, Rumpleteazer's smile had been worth it. It had been hard to mimic the Cockney accent and the black tom had had to draw upon his own memories of Mungojerrie's voice to make it credible.  
  
But it had worked. Though the young queen might never love him, Quaxo knew that he had given her what no one else could have - a certain peace of mind, a promise that she would never lose the love that had brought joy and happiness to her life.  
  
Other cats might not have understood him, nor would they have supposed that this knowledge alone could satisfy a tom when the queen he loved could never be his. But he was satisfied - almost to the extent of being perfectly happy…  
  
Quaxo was forcibly pulled out of a deep, dreamless sleep by Plato the next morning,  
"What are you doing here? We were worried about you - next time you'd better tell us you'll be out…Pounce was sure something dreadful had happened to you…"  
  
The black tom felt a little groggy and though he wasn't quite able to understand each word that spilled out of his friend's mouth he caught the drift - after all he'd been sharing a place with the younger tomcats for a few months now…  
  
"Yeah, sure, sorry…" he mumbled and Plato shook his head, pulling him up, talking at top speed…something about mice and breakfast. Quaxo would have protested, but the exertions of the night before had left him with little strength and all he really wanted was a few more hours of sleep.  
  
"Rumpleteazer…"  
  
"She's with Demeter, saw her in front of the place. Didn't even see me, but I'm sure she'll recover in time."  
  
Shaking his head, the black tom let himself be lead away, certain that there were some wounds even time couldn't completely heal…  
  
Rumpleteazer stood in front of Demeter's place, debating whether to go inside and wake the two cats sleeping there or not. Having spent the night on the old tire had left her sore and aching, yet there was a warmth inside her, a glow that Jerrie's touch had sparked in her that made it possible to actually contemplate the morning itself and not only her grief.  
  
She heard noises from within and came nose to nose with the tabby moments later. His gasp of surprise was quickly replaced with concern when he looked her up and down, interpreting the meaning of her wind ruffled fur at once,  
"Come on in, it's cold…we were wondering…"  
  
"I went for a stroll in the moonlight. It's very…soothing."  
  
Demeter appeared beside the tabby and he seemed quite embarrassed all of a sudden, bounding off with some mumbling about getting food. Rumpleteazer joined the other queen for a quick grooming, neither of them speaking. There would have been no words to thank the one or to comfort the other that could have been clearer than the warmth of companionship.  
  
Day after day and night after night, Rumpleteazer was haunted by images of her mate, and she was frequently found sitting at his grave, not crying, but looking into nothingness with sad, empty eyes.  
  
Yet there was a sometimes desperate will in her, one that would not let her give up. The promise she had made, the vow she had spoken that night kept her going and a few weeks after Jerrie's death she resolved to do something.  
  
Letting go of her lover was harder than all she'd ever been subjected to, but the quiet sustenance and backing of the tribe convinced her that she had a place in the world, even if she was alone in a way no one might ever understand.  
  
The annual Jellicle Ball drew nearer and as it did so did the sideward glances and the hushed whispers when the young calico appeared. The event was, for most cats, not merely a feast and an opportunity to sing and dance - it was also a day spent with their loved ones, their mates, a day when vows made to each other were traditionally renewed or new ones made.  
  
How Rumpleteazer would react to it, given that she had so recently lost her mate, was a matter of fervent discussion, Jenny even opting for postponing the Ball for a few weeks after she had come across the young queen at the cemetery one evening.  
  
But Deuteronomy would have none of it, stating that the tribe was not to change its customs and traditions for the sake of a petty thief whose partner had died. Though most cats found the choice of words terribly ill, no one objected, for there was to be no open opposition to the elected leader among the Jellicles.  
  
Yet no cat would have dared say a harsh word to Rumpleteazer - for all the crimes she was supposed to have committed, there was a sadness about her still that touched everyone's heart and since she had never been known as wilful, deceitful or cunning she was generally pitied and left to her own devices.  
  
Demeter had offered her to share her place, explaining that she was lonely at times and missed company. The calico had seen through the explanation, yet she had accepted gladly, unable to bear the solitude and the frequent dreams of what she had lost patiently.  
  
The nights were the hardest as it was, and with someone to comfort her when she woke sobbing, they were just about bearable. Jerrie's name was never spoken aloud, not by Demeter, nor by Munkustrap who turned up at any and all times to 'bring something around', which Rumpleteazer noticed to be a convenient way for him to spend time around Demeter.  
  
"Do you have a date for the Ball?"  
  
Demeter's looked up from her blanket, her green eyes glowing a little in the dim moonlight that filtered through the cracks of her abode. Surprise and uncertainty was written upon her features and Rumpleteazer sighed, guessing at the cause,  
"I canna pretend it's not 'appenin'. And I gotta make it through, I 'ave no choice. I canna 'ide forever."  
  
Demeter looked at the calico for a while before averting her eyes and mumbling,  
"I haven't got a date and I'm not expecting to have one."  
  
"Ya could ask Munku, I'm sure 'e'd love ta take ya."  
  
A warmth sparkling in the green eyes, even though the young queen shook her head slightly,  
"Don't think he'd really want to go with me."  
  
"And who else would 'e ask?"  
  
"Someone, there are queens enough at the junkyard."  
  
"Some toms are worth riskin' a little embarrassment for…and others aren't."  
  
"Are you trying to counsel me?"  
  
"Aye, maybe. Ya know, ya and Munku 'ave taken care o' me and I'm not blind. Ya like each other and the Ball is for couples - so just go for it."  
  
"What about you?"  
  
Rumpleteazer thought for a moment. She was quite sure that Demeter wouldn't want to leave her alone, even if she took her advice and asked Munkustrap out. So the calico decided to give her friend a night off and said, not perfectly convinced that she was doing the right thing, but finding no other option,  
"I'll be goin' with Quaxo."  
  
Before Demeter had the chance to say something else, the young queen turned around, facing the wall before her and mumbling, "Night."  
  
It took Rumpleteazer a long time to fall asleep. Her mind was racing, and her heart beat faster than it should have. The black tom wouldn't say no, she was certain, but the question was if she was ready to go to the Ball in the company of anyone but her darling Jerrie, if she could bear to sit beside a friend knowing that the tom she loved would never be close to her again…  
  
"Quaxo?"  
  
A multicoloured paw nudged him and a queen's voice managed to penetrate the fog of his sleepy mind. On opening his eyes, the young tom came instantly awake, sitting up, staring at Rumpleteazer.  
  
"Mornin'."  
  
"Morning."  
  
"I…I'd like ta ask somethin' o' ya."  
  
"Ah…sure." Eloquence wasn't exactly his that morning, he figured.  
  
"Demeter's gonna ask Munku ta go ta the Ball wi' 'er, but she's not gonna enjoy it if she keeps thinkin' o' me bein' on me own; I was hopin' ya'd take me."  
  
There was an emotion the young queen couldn't quite define in the dark eyes, but it was quickly masked as Quaxo managed a smile and said,  
"Sure I will. Want me to pick you up?"  
  
"No, I'll be comin' around ta the tire. See ya there?"  
  
"Ah…yes, sure…" But she had already turned around, her heart racing and her eyes stinging with tears she refused to shed. Of all toms, this one had been her closest friend always, apart from Jerrie. It was clear he understood her grief, yet how was she to face him, what could she possibly say to him?  
  
There was no way she could talk about her lover, and there was precious little she could think of saying to Quaxo. Jerrie had been the one to start the banter usually, he'd had an easy way with his friends, a mischievous sense of humour and there had been no situation he couldn't have commented on.  
  
Though it had not seemed that way, Rumpleteazer was quiet. Fun-loving, outgoing, but no great talker unless the calico tom got her involved in a heated debate about the best way to sneak out a piece of jewellery…  
  
The Ball passed in a blur, Quaxo twirling Rumpleteazer about, making her dance and sing without a pause, enjoying the occasional glimpse of a smile that was so like her and had been drowned completely by her grief of late. The young queen had hardly a moment's thought to spare for doubts or sad reflections, she was whisked about, entranced by the music, the sounds and the fresh night air ruffling her fur.  
  
It was as if she were no longer part of her own body, as if she had been swept away to a place where nothing could touch her, where there were no memories and no pain. The first flash of sadness came to her only when the music dimmed, fading out and the cats settled down to talk or slipped away paw in paw very quietly.  
  
A black paw took hers tightly and pulled her towards Quaxo's favourite spot, the old pipe near the tire. They settled down there and Rumpleteazer averted her eyes, not knowing how to break the silence, the spell broken as her grief washed over her.  
  
"You're trying to play matchmaker for Munku and Demeter, aren't you?"  
  
It was such a harmless question - and it would make her say something, anything. The calico couldn't resist the black tom's smile, a small grin playing around the corners of her mouth,  
"They were so shy around each other, and always tryin' not ta touch, tryin' ta ignore the sideward looks, avertin' their gazes…"  
  
"And you thought it would be nice if they spent some quality time with each other." Quaxo's heart was beating fast. He was treading dangerous ground - if he talked too much about love, he would hurt her, but it was the only topic that was safe enough, for the junkyard gossip involved too many innuendos, too many allusions to a certain calico tom that had better not be mentioned…  
  
"Aye. That's 'ow…" she blinked back a few tears and took a deep breath, "'ow Jerrie and me fell in love. We were the same, ya've seen us…"  
  
"Yes." A lump stuck in Quaxo's throat. His mind was racing now, what could he say? Should he change the topic? Was she ready to talk? Was he?  
  
"It 'urts, Quax. Very much. I still feel 'im at night sometimes. I see 'is eyes, pretend 'e's there. But each time I wake up 'e's gone."  
  
A tear escaped and slithered down her pale cheek. The black tom reached out carefully, laying his paw onto her shoulder. She flinched a little, but covered his paw with hers, leaning against him, "I still love 'im."  
  
"And he still loves you, I'm sure."  
  
There was no reaction at first, then Rumpleteazer nodded very slowly as silence stretched between them and they looked up at the dim glow of the moon above them.  
  
The tribe assembled around the tire again at the break of dawn, listening to their leader pronouncing the ritual words as they sat, calmly, their memories echoing in the 'moments of happiness'. Rumpleteazer leant against Quaxo, tears glistening on her cheeks and her lips formed the one name over and over again, an exhalation of a dream that had faded from her, slipped out of her grasp.  
  
Deuteronomy watched her, and his heart went out to her, though he did not want it to. He realised that he had never truly looked at her before, not even at her mate's funeral; that he had never seen her _with_ Mungojerrie. It was with a heavy heart that he sought her out when the dancing began once more and Quaxo's dark eyes were hard and suspicious as he withdrew to the sidelines, giving the two of them privacy.  
  
"I am an old cat and I don't often see the need to apologize for my actions. However, I know that my…words…at the…funeral gave you pain and I feel…"  
  
"Ya know? I doubt that, if I may." Rumpleteazer's tone was pure ice and the Jellicle leader flinched under her gaze. He had truly underestimated the love she held for his son…  
  
"I know, believe me. I've…loved…a queen once, loved her so much I was ready to give up everything for her…but she left me, and broke my heart."  
  
"And that 'as somethin' ta do wi' yer not likin' Jerrie?"  
  
"Yes, in fact, it is all about Mungojerrie."  
  
There was no warmth in the steady gaze, and though the tears on the young queen's cheeks hadn't yet dried completely she looked proud and strong, ready to defy whatever the old tom would tell her. He sighed,  
"The queen I spoke about was…a stray. She chose her life of disorder, crime and poverty over the one I offered her here. But that was not the worst she did. She took…my son…away and…later, when I saw him again, he didn't even remember me. He said he'd never had a father, when I knew that he had, when I was there - he should have known me!"  
  
"Are ya tellin' me that Jerrie was yer son?" a measured calmness lay in Rumpleteazer's voice, yet her eyes were stormy and dark with rage. Deuteronomy didn't notice, for he nodded, eagerly, believing he had made her understand,  
"Yes! You do see now, that I couldn't be happy that he had done what his mother did, defied me at every turn, made a life his own that he needn't have led. He never really wanted to be a Jellicle, never wanted to accept my…our way of living."  
  
The calico queen straightened up, her face a mask as she intoned, giving weight to each word, keeping her voice steady and deceptively mild,  
"Ya're a bastard! And a coward too! Ye oughta 'ave loved 'im, not 'ated 'im for what 'is mother did ta ya. I don't think ya 'ave any right ta judge Jerrie, cause ya never even truly knew 'im. And ya 'ave never judged me as ya judged 'im either - ya just don't know what ya want or what ya care for except yerself."  
  
Surprise suffused the old tom's features, but he had no more chance to speak, for Rumpelteazer turned her back on him and joined Quaxo, her shoulders squared and her jaw set. Her friend needed no more than a look at her to see she wanted to get away from the other cats and so he put his arm around her and led her away, sitting her down in a dark corner and patting her back soothingly until she fell asleep.  
  
Deuteronomy made no more move trying to talk to Rumpleteazer. Her ignorance of his presence at all times was too poignant than to be interpreted as anything but contempt. She didn't tell the others about the leader's relationship with her Jerrie, yet she wouldn't forgive the insults and the pain he had inflicted either.  
  
As the months passed, the calico grew more quiet and thoughtful, yet Quaxo managed to make her smile at times, surprising her with a little magic trick now and then. She kept around him mostly, giving Demeter and Munkustrap room for themselves and, as she had supposed, the two became mates in the week the first snowdrops blossomed that year.  
  
The pain within her ebbed away to a dull, throbbing state that kept reminding her of her loss, but she would not let it take overhand any longer. With the conviction that life without her mate was possible came the strength to move forward, the desperate drive making room for a newly discovered joy in simply being.  
  
Quaxo's warm support and unwavering gentle kindness grounded her and one morning in early May she determined that it was the right time to finally speak of the night he had comforted her so quietly with is magic.  
  
Realization had dawned when Quaxo had pronounced with such certainty that Jerrie still loved her. He hadn't known he was splitting on himself then, in fact it had taken Rumpleteazer quite a while to connect his words at the Ball with the ghostly apparition at the tire the night after her lover's death.  
  
Yet she possessed a sharp intellect and when she thought about it more carefully, the possibility of her lover returning to comfort her was, though she had conveniently pushed that aside, very improbable.  
  
"I want ta thank ya."  
  
"What for?" the black tom's face showed pure bewilderment.  
  
"For conjurin' Jerrie up when I was cryin', for the sparkles and the warmth, for carin'."  
  
Quaxo hung his head, mumbling that he'd hoped she'd think it really was her friend, or at least a sign from the Everlasting Cat.  
  
"It was a sign - that I wasna alone, that there was someone who understood, who cared."  
  
"You're not angry?"  
  
"No…'ow could I when ya gave me what I wanted the most then?"  
  
Rumpleteazer held out her paw and Quaxo took it, carefully. The young queen smiled, moving closer to him and rubbing her head against his chest,  
"Why are ya doin' all this for me, Quaxo? Tell me the truth."  
  
The black tom couldn't help his heartbeat quickening, nor could he suppress the slight shiver that ran through him. He had dreaded this question for a long time, too long. It should have been clear to him from the start that he couldn't hide his feelings forever - the calico was too quick to pick up on other cats' moods…  
  
"I love you," he murmured, barely audible. Rumpleteazer's ears perked up and she turned her head to give his cheek an affectionate lick.  
  
"I suspected as much."  
  
There was a moment's hesitation before she added,  
"I canna offer ya all o' me 'eart, ya know that. But I do care for ya and I'd gladly be wi' ya if ya want me."  
  
Quaxo nodded, hugging her close,  
"Thank you. But I can't accept your offer. I can never truly make you happy, not like Jerrie. Maybe we can just be together, as friends, that would be more than I could have hoped for…"  
  
The calico smiled, twining her tail around his, leaning against him and purring in quiet acquiescence as they looked up at the stars above them, the Jellicle moon glowing down at them.  
  
It was as close to happiness as Rumpleteazer knew she'd ever come again - she had been offered a heart in return for trusting in life and love, even though she could never repay the gift with her own heart…  
  
The End.  
  
My Heart Will Go On  
(Love theme from Titanic)  
  
Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you  
That is how I know you go on  
  
Far across the distance and spaces between us  
You have come to show you go on  
  
Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you opened the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on  
  
Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime  
And never let go till we're one  
  
Love was when I loved you, one true time I hold to  
In my life we'll always go on  
  
Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you opened the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on  
  
There is some love that will not go away  
You're here, there's nothing I fear,  
And I know that my heart will go on  
We'll stay forever this way  
You're safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on  
  
The song is copyrighted by Famous Music Corporation 1997 and sung by Céline Dion (on the album "Let's talk about love", Sony 1997); No copyright infringement is intended by my use of the lyrics.  



End file.
